Ever since an afternoon screening of The Bourne Ultimatum last Saturday, we’ve had a new game at our house. The game starts by saying “If I were a spy…” and then telling the person you’re with just how their life would be different if you were a spy.
The idea, of course, is to engender gratitude that you are who you are and not, indeed, a spy. And also the idea is to one-up each other. A modified yo momma contest.
For instance, when out the other night for dinner, I waited for Christine to take a drink of her wine and then told her: “If I were a spy, you would have just drunk my truth serum and I’d spend the next two hours interrogating you.”
Or, the next day when I met her on a street corner and was a few minutes late and said: “If I were a spy I would have been here early and watching from behind those shrubs.”
The more astute (or spy-like) of you might notice that all of the lines are delivered from me to her. This could be because of my mastery of the form, but it also could be because the game is really more entertaining to me then it is to her. And its limited amusement is dimming rapidly.
But then there are moments, like when I unexpectedly leaned over to her and said “If I were a spy, you’d be waking up about now in a field.”
To which she said (after she was done laughing, bless her): “That’s dark. I don’t know if I liked it that you killed me.”
“I didn’t kill you. You woke up in the field. Besides, if I killed you, that would be the ‘if I were an assassin game.’”
So then, two games for you to play. “If I were a spy…” and “If I were an assassin…” Please feel free to leave suggestions of good lines in the comments. Of course, if I were a spy I would only leave comments when it was strategically important to my briefing. And I would never use my real name….
Posted by: Martin McClellan
On the date of: August 6, 2007 01:40 PM