Re: Shockah's Time to Die Pitch: 1.0

June 27, 2007 · by Burley Grymz · Permalink · Category: Original Version, Time to Die, the screenplay

First things first: iPhone.

Okay, that satisfies our Union of Bloggers and Hipsters June 2007 requirement. Now back to your regularly scheduled Spitball!

Not a bad first pitch. One very interesting thing that I just noticed: you have September Rose going to the Prison Planet to meet her husband. So, the struggle all takes place there. I picture her on Earth, and a large part of the struggle is getting there. And then getting back.

Overall, I do like your pitch, but as you mentioned it’s too long, and doesn’t really snap yet in my opinion.

I feel like so much real estate needs to be devoted to setting up the conflict that comes within the first ten minutes or so

I think that’s why we need to find a way to focus attention back on September Rose. Also, I think the hook isn’t in the idea of cheating death, but in the race to cheat death. So for me, ironically, the setup of the world holds little interest.

I say: okay, he can be brought back, but more importantly, can she get him? That’s the question we want to raise in people’s heads.

Okay — just my few thoughts. Please lay waste to my first attempt, and we’ll continue hammering away until it snaps and sparkles.